This is one of the most emotional and realist post I ever wrote. I thought I probably should not even post this post because it’s revealing something so deep for me.
I have a question for you. Why do we get in our own way? The answer is for me personally is I don’t know. If there is a skill I have completely mastered is the brush strokes of self-sabotaging. It’s like something in me is like naw dog you not about to continue to get healthier. Man food is the worst addictive behavior. It’s so subtle you won’t even notice. You don’t even realize the habits you have could mean an early death. But the worst is knowing it and not quitting the behavior. Knowing almost increases in indulging behavior. Above anything, in my life I would like to give up the art of self-sabotage. I’m tired of falling to the same devices of the enemy and myself. I’m my own worst enemy. In this painting of sabotage I’m sure you find isolation and depression. For those who deal with it deeply. For some it subtle because you don’t feel like it sabotages. For experience, if you know you have a problem with shopping but you go to the mall every week. But you keep saying you don’t know where your money is going. So, yes most times my bad eating behaviors are linked to bad emotions.
The art of sabotage is not a pretty painting and includes plenty of elements. Most people will say if you got a problem with food or being fat change it. Well the world may be bigger now but it’s not easy being plus-sized in the world. Sometimes you feel like your in a pressure chamber because everyone is focused on your weight. But I wake up every day with this body that fights me and I may have started the fight. So you feel overwhelming guilt maybe mixed with insecurities. I’m faced with this body every day and knew it was big you don’t have to remind me. For the longest I thought I could never live any quality of life because no one would want me or I may not be able to do things that others can enjoy. I have learned rules around going out in public to avoid big crowds. Actually I have been social distancing for years now. Then your in isolation all the time and guess what you do Sabotage!!! Then your lonely and Christians will tell you are never alone. But I know what it feels like to feel so far removed from the world and you feel like not a soul cares. At least that is what it feels like. But that always a plan of the enemy because I’m sure you have at least ONE that can trust and confide in. So, if you don’t find you that ONE. I cried myself to sleep plenty of nights praying. See self-sabotage it’s a bumping road filled with land mines. Riding that road could have serious consequences. See I’m writing this to encourage you and me. I’m tired y’all. I have probably heard this phrase before but it dropped in my spirit one day to make this my post and I literally just wrote. However, I said let me do a little research on what does science says this thing is in psychology.
You might be thinking what is the actual definition of a self sabotage an author from Psychology Today defines it as a behavior in which it creates a problem in your daily life and interferes with long-standing goals. After doing some research an article called How Self Sabotage Holds You Back by Crystal Raypole (2019) suggested here are a few things you notice if you are self-sabotaging;
1. Blaming others when things go wrong
2. Choosing to walk away when things do not go smoothly
4. Picking fights with love ones
5. Trouble starting your needs
6. Putting yourself down (Raypole, 2019)
The Mental Breakdown Podcast published in November of 2019 by Dr. Berney discusses the brain science of self-sabotage. He discusses how our brain is wired to obtain goals and avoid threats. So, basically, the brain is always wired to do what is pleasurable. Our brain likes to avoid discomfort and change requires sacrifice. From both sources discuss the cause of self-sabotage could be the fear of failure and a need for control.
At some point you want to be better and not let the same things be your roadblocks. Sabotaging myself has hurt my life in so many ways because it caused me not to move. It’s like sinking sand especially when you get the later stages. Death is eternal and something perishable is not worth that. I mean I have tried everything to the point I find myself so wrapped up in the number sometimes it feels like I’m intentionally hurting myself every time I don’t lose a pound. Self-sabotaging has the art of messing with your mind. I know I am not alone with the thought of what’s the point it’s not working. A defeated mindset. I have failed sooooo many times in my life y’all at plenty of things. And I’m TIRED OF LOSING. I want to WIN. I have to Win its life or death for me!!! So I renounce the defeated mindset that says I can’t because I Can and I Will and I Win. No art of sabotaging in my life anymore. I want more out of life. I want to grow. I want to be around large groups again oh wait after the Rona. I want to Glow Up. You may not sabotage the way I do but find how you do and join me and renouncing it. WE ARE FREE!!!
But to be real I AM a lot the things above but all go against the nature of God. We are not called to a life of bondage but a life of liberty. I’m tired of being fearful of being my best. Once I remember a sister in Christ she may not remember she said “it is time to write a battle plan”. I am going write us a battle plan if you suffer from self-sabotage. Let’s add a number 7 on the list for fear.
1. Matthew 7:3-5
2. Philippians 4:13
3. Romans 7:20-21
4. Psalm 19:14
5. Philippians 4:6
6. Deuteronomy 31:6
7. Isaiah 43:1 (our extra one for fear)
One of the biggest lessons I have to learn is if I fail to try again and never give up because I can learn new art.