I’m doing something outside of my comfort zone I don’t like being in front or being open. I’m the play background type but I feel like I have so much inside of me bursting out, stories and experiences that its time to share with the world. You will learn more about the journey of my pacemaker procedure in this post. Often when you hear the phrase to serve and protect that is associated with the justice system or politics. But I believe we are called as followers of Christ to serve and God will protect. Now our ability to serve is not stringent or rather God will protect. (That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh. his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. Matt 5:45). Now fasten you’re seatbelt and go on a journey with me.
According to US Health News, it’s examined that 400,000 people get a pacemaker implanted in the US yearly. I spoke about having a pacemaker in one of my previous posts. This is my chronological experience well sort of LOL. I knew since about August 2019 it was a possibility of getting a pacer and I was a bit numb to the expectation. I was just trying to get married and go on my honeymoon darling. In November I had another echocardiogram and it came back pretty bad so boom I needed a pacemaker ASAP. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get an appointment to see an EP doctor until January. It was January 10, 2020. I may remember that date forever. I don’t know anyone with a pacemaker so I didn’t know what to expect. The EP doctor started to tell me that what is going on with my heart it can just stop beating, unlike a heart attack. So the Device I would need is called a CRT device. He was saying so much at once I kind of escaped in my mind like I often do. As a child, I mastered the skill of escaping to my mind its introvert Jedi mind trick LOL. Up to that moment, I felt a sense of maturity and faith that I never had before. But what he said shook me but I still couldn’t go back to my previous mindset. I was determined to serve Jesus in a way I never have before and to trust him. Also, devote time to falling in love with him again. Unfortunately, my breathing got so bad I ended up with another hospitalization before my procedure now scheduled for February 12. At that point, I’m looking forward to anything that is going to make me feel better. Before coronavirus, you could hear my cough a mile away and it turned heads.
Fast forward to procedure day and I was supposed to go home the next day. Due to my breathing problems I had to do general anesthesia. I have never been under or had any type of surgery. I was nervous and ready to get it over with all at the same time. They started the preparation process I was cool. But when I said bye to my family and they start rolling me back to the surgery room that’s when it hit me. I felt anxious and fearful. I wish I could off of that table and say I’m out of here. I started to cry and they were assuring me everything would be alright. But I don’t TRUST the medical establishment. Then they pressed a mask on my nose and mouth and then I was out. No thoughts it was black and instantaneous.
When I woke up it was hazy I could hear my Mother say, Samantha. Then I saw my husband by my bedside. But I heard my mom say calm down Samantha. I was trying to talk to my mommy but nothing came out. Then I realize my hands are restrained and I have a tube in my throat. I couldn’t speak when my mom was saying calm down but that made me more uncomfortable. I could hear the beeping of a machine. Being unable to hear my own voice sent my heart rate through the roof. I could hear them saying they are going to give me medication to calm me down. I hated being boundand speechless. Instantly at that moment, I said in my mind if they don’t take this tube out by morning I will. See I couldn’t stand being powerless and having a lack of control over my mobility and speech. Then I start thinking why didn’t my family not tell them to let me loose to take off the restraints. I felt powerless and unprotected. I kept thinking why didn’t they fight for me. That hurt because thought I was alone yet again in another fight alone. So I got one of my arms out of the restraints and I had my plan remember. So my feelings eclipsed the fact that God did what I asked him to do. All the prayers of protection had been answered. I had some idea but no idea that a pandemic was coming and I would have had to wait like I imagine other patients are waiting for there procedure. I made it and I was protected even though in my emotions I felt a sense of a lack of protection. Did you know in Latin pro- means in front and -tect means to cover. So protection means to be covered in front. Now let that sink in.
Now, first of all, why was I thinking this way was it was because of a lack of power or control. However, this experience was traumatic for me, and possibly natural. See never in my 33 years of life did I have to depend on God the way I did that day. We talk all that we trust God stuff but do we really! Now obviously I had a probably normal response because hey I’m human. But at that moment if it was any moment I had no choice to have faith it was this day. I had to have faith in Jesus to protect me and cover me. Now, of course, the nurse figured out somehow I got out of one restraint and put me back in it. That morning a team of people came and I could hear them and not see them I was still out of it. I remember hearing them say she is so independent because they were asking me questions and I was responding with head shakes. They pulled that tube out my throat finally and it felt like an eternity. But the thoughts of feelings a lack of protection didn’t go away and I was mad. Also, confused because I am in the ICU and I don’t know why exactly. Meanwhile, I have been married for 4 months and my husband has not left my side. Turns out its standard practice to restraint patients so they don’t rip out the tubes in your mouth when they wake up. Still to this day, I don’t know the full story of what happened to land me in ICU but what I do know is it was complications.
Now I’m transferred to a regular room. I didn’t realize God’s protection to go before me and make sure I was ok. I didn’t realize how many times I could have died but I was kept. Even though the agreement is for me to serve and him to protect I fail at serving all the time. The Latin meaning of serve is a slave. But don’t we all fail and fall short. What’s important is, to be a slave to righteousness. That is how we truly serve is to be a slave to righteousness. In other words be servants to righteousness.
“But God be thanked, that ye were the servants of sin, but ye have obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine which was delivered you. Being then made free from sin, ye became the servants of righteousness.”
Romans 6:17-18 KJV
However, he never fails to protect or cover me. But your girl had not moved her arm or shoulder on her left side. The moment I did it was the pain I never felt before and I been in some pain in my life. Well, now they say all they can give me is Tylenol. So I was up all night and cried and I mean cried. My poor husband was trying to console me.
Now originally I wasn’t going tell anyone but those who were close to me about the procedure. Side-note: Why is it as African Americans we are programmed to not tell anyone about health problems. Why do we suffer in silence? I know we have reason to mistrust the hospital system because historically there are disparities in healthcare. We have to get out of that because we need each other’s testimony. Now I understand being private and it’s not everyone’s business. But let’s share more.
Now I’m in a place where I ready to pour it out. I want people to know what it is to know what an experience was like this was for me. Again it’s my truth. Now it’s been almost 3 months since the pacemaker was installed. Honestly overall I still have many bad days with heart failure but I’m so much better. I’m most importantly learning how to serve God and how to learn and allow God’s protection. Here are some reminders of his protection in Scripture.
“The name of the Lord is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe.” Proverbs 18:10 KJV
“He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence. He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.”
Psalms 91:1-4 KJV